I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
