I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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