My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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