Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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