I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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