that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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