life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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