He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
