sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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