Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
