I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
