somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
