and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
