I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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