I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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