i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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