well you can't waste a boner
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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