Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
