Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
