She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
