Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
