Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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