it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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