I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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