Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
