And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
