I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
