I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
