my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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