I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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