just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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