My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
