did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
