I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
