Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
