Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
