Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
