dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
