Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm jealous of your bromance
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
