watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
