I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
