i just wanna soil my oats bro
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
