im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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