very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
