He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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