My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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