you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
