if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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