Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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