I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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