Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
