I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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