Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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