I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
